Owner of a small DM agency in Bath. Or somewhere.
Oxford educated. Wears a suit jacket, open shirt and jeans. Bald head. Thick glasses. Tall.
Understands the theory of marketing entirely. Has no instinct for it at all. He reads the books, and the trade press, and says the things that people who are in the know are supposed to say. He just wanted to do something that would impress his uni friends. And his Dad. Advertising and Graphic Design sounded just right. Luckily enough, he had the money to start a company.
Calls himself a 'planner', but in reality he's no such thing. In reality, he's an entrepeneur.
He respects creatives. He likes meetings. I mean, he really likes meetings. He likes to own the meetings. If he could, he'd actually marry a meeting.
He is all over clients like a rash. Pushy, elbowy, yuppie, shithouse.
He leans back in his chair at meetings and puts his hands behind his head. He nods a lot. his nodding is louder than the person speaking.
He has fucking dinner parties every weekend. He values money and status - he drives a sports car. One of Thatcher's children, he loves his life.
His agency is shite.
Doesn't say "strategy," he says "sdradegy." Doesn't say "creative," he says "creadive."
Have you seen this man?
He probably shagged a female client of yours for a slice of business.
The twat.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Another anti-client vid.
Seen a few of these in my time.
This is the latest one doing the rounds.
I don't know why they make my heart sink but they do. This will soon be shown in every client meeting as a 'break the ice' type joke, I'm sure. Ho ho ho. Aren't we so unreasonable. Everything is shit. Ha ha!
Great.
But this one can be viewed a little differently. This vid doesn't just show what twats clients can be. It also shows what twats creatives can be.
http://view.break.com/542649 - Watch more free videos
That ball-less creative doesn't once argue. If he gave a shit about his work he would have fought for it. That's part of the job. That's the stomach ulcer bit: the fighting. That's what makes us good or bad. It's no good looking exasperated and beating your wife up when you get home. The word "no" is allowed.
This video is not a good example of how annoying clients are. It's a good example of why it's important that creatives fight for their work.
That video is a good example of why clients should want their creatives to be difficult. It's our responsibility to defend our work in order to give the client what they need.
NB
Where were the suits in that video?
This is the latest one doing the rounds.
I don't know why they make my heart sink but they do. This will soon be shown in every client meeting as a 'break the ice' type joke, I'm sure. Ho ho ho. Aren't we so unreasonable. Everything is shit. Ha ha!
Great.
But this one can be viewed a little differently. This vid doesn't just show what twats clients can be. It also shows what twats creatives can be.
http://view.break.com/542649 - Watch more free videos
That ball-less creative doesn't once argue. If he gave a shit about his work he would have fought for it. That's part of the job. That's the stomach ulcer bit: the fighting. That's what makes us good or bad. It's no good looking exasperated and beating your wife up when you get home. The word "no" is allowed.
This video is not a good example of how annoying clients are. It's a good example of why it's important that creatives fight for their work.
That video is a good example of why clients should want their creatives to be difficult. It's our responsibility to defend our work in order to give the client what they need.
NB
Where were the suits in that video?
Dear Pices.
Has anyone ever split the data according to astrology?
You know, mail scorpios with credit cards. Mail aquarians with charity asks. That kind of thing.
I know it's a load of old bollocks. But there may be some merit in it. After all, a large percentage of the world have collected a lot of data for us to use in this regard.
And while it is all categorically bullshit, you'll probably find your creative department all have birthdays in February and October: Aquarians and Librans.
The reason I ask this, is surely it would be as scientific a process as getting those twatty consultants to come in with a new model of how you can best categorise mankind.
They usually have stupid terms like: Generous Submitters, Egocentric Analysts, Horse Rapists and Flatulent First Timers. They slip into the agency parlance for about a fortnight.
Companies spend millions on testing this shit. Then it fails. Then three years later, another failed businessman has another theory about how to deconstruct mankind (yeah, cos it would be that easy) and sells it to companies.
My point is simple. If we are going to spend money on segmenting personality types, why not spend it on an ancient form based on the planetary motions? Cos if we're talking bullshit. Let's start at the beginning.
*PS - the feed on the right says that Craik Jones is merging with Proximity. That's a shame. A great agency in its day.
You know, mail scorpios with credit cards. Mail aquarians with charity asks. That kind of thing.
I know it's a load of old bollocks. But there may be some merit in it. After all, a large percentage of the world have collected a lot of data for us to use in this regard.
And while it is all categorically bullshit, you'll probably find your creative department all have birthdays in February and October: Aquarians and Librans.
The reason I ask this, is surely it would be as scientific a process as getting those twatty consultants to come in with a new model of how you can best categorise mankind.
They usually have stupid terms like: Generous Submitters, Egocentric Analysts, Horse Rapists and Flatulent First Timers. They slip into the agency parlance for about a fortnight.
Companies spend millions on testing this shit. Then it fails. Then three years later, another failed businessman has another theory about how to deconstruct mankind (yeah, cos it would be that easy) and sells it to companies.
My point is simple. If we are going to spend money on segmenting personality types, why not spend it on an ancient form based on the planetary motions? Cos if we're talking bullshit. Let's start at the beginning.
*PS - the feed on the right says that Craik Jones is merging with Proximity. That's a shame. A great agency in its day.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
DM portraits: number one
Just an idea for a series of posts. I'm going to draw a kind of planner-like pen protrait of the kind of people you meet in integrated agencies. None of them are real people. But a kind of type that you can encounter on a regular basis.
Type one.
She's a female copywriter around 40. Old fashioned DM copywriter. Into the words, not the ideas. Her biggest hate is music in the office. "SHE JUST CAN'T CONCENTRATE". So you all have to sit in silence while the miserable bitch takes 3 days to write a piss easy letter for some financial institution.
Probably into The Cure as a young girl. Ill once a month. Complains constantly about things. Doesn't understand the young. Prefers female suits to male ones. Holidays all booked and organised on the first day of the new year.
Very particular about the food she eats. Never actually written a novel, but would like to write one, and that's good enough for her. Types letters in courier.
Needs a cock up her arse.
Have you seen this woman?
Type one.
She's a female copywriter around 40. Old fashioned DM copywriter. Into the words, not the ideas. Her biggest hate is music in the office. "SHE JUST CAN'T CONCENTRATE". So you all have to sit in silence while the miserable bitch takes 3 days to write a piss easy letter for some financial institution.
Probably into The Cure as a young girl. Ill once a month. Complains constantly about things. Doesn't understand the young. Prefers female suits to male ones. Holidays all booked and organised on the first day of the new year.
Very particular about the food she eats. Never actually written a novel, but would like to write one, and that's good enough for her. Types letters in courier.
Needs a cock up her arse.
Have you seen this woman?
Monday, August 11, 2008
"Call to action"
Every now and then, some the terms we use make me laugh.
Today it's "call to action."
When you analyse that, it's a pretty lofty term.
"And now the call to action....where I assemble the masses under my rallying cry and send them inspired towards the telephone or internet."
Mark Antony. Now he was a man who could execute a call to action, at least according to Willy the Bard.
Henry V too.
Does Fat Bob the Freelancer join these illustrious demagogues when he writes "so don't delay call this fucking number now. Or, if you prefer, visit our website, at twat.com"?
Hardly.
"Call to action."
God, we take ourselves so seriously.
Today it's "call to action."
When you analyse that, it's a pretty lofty term.
"And now the call to action....where I assemble the masses under my rallying cry and send them inspired towards the telephone or internet."
Mark Antony. Now he was a man who could execute a call to action, at least according to Willy the Bard.
Henry V too.
Does Fat Bob the Freelancer join these illustrious demagogues when he writes "so don't delay call this fucking number now. Or, if you prefer, visit our website, at twat.com"?
Hardly.
"Call to action."
God, we take ourselves so seriously.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Propositions
Go on then.
Propositions.
Are they actually fucking pointless or are they, as planners will tell you, "the most important thing in the whole process"?
I've seen about three exciting propositions in my life. Sometimes they are planners writing headlines. Sometimes they are suits writing novels.
I think the problem is the form. A proposition has to be this that or the other. I'm going to hear Steve Harrison talk about what he reckons they are soon. I'll report back when I find out.
Why can't a proposition be one word?
Cheaper....Freedom....Together....Finite....Faster....Convenient.
I could work with that.
The problem is the planners would then take two weeks trying to find a way to make EVERYTHING one word. It would need a rigid structure.
"We've got 'long-term' here as the proposition. But that's not one word is it? Do hyphens count?"
It doesn't matter. I know what you mean.
Fuck form. We once ran a proposition for the NSPCC that was a picture of a baby crying. The resulting DRTV ad was a huge success. Mad proposition. But it worked.
All this form "you've got 10 seconds to convince them" "what's the one big thing" "what's the inspirational truth"
all fancy ways of saying "what's the proposition" that never actually work. They make non creative people have to submit ideas into form. And that's not fair.
The worst proposition of all, however, is when a planner has tried to write a really good proposition. They often read like this...
"Feed your speed" or "Because Soap Matters" or "Spec-tacular glasses"
I'm pretty sure Just do it and Beanz Meanz Heinz were not propositions. Nowadays they would be. But if Beanz Meanz Heinz was a proposition that campaign would never have run. The creatives aren't going to use the propositions as ideas. The proposition for that campaign was probably "Heinz should be your choice when deciding to buy baked beans."
Something that simple would probably be beyond your standard planner. It has to be BRILLIANT. Look at this brief!!
Why? No-one else in the world will.
Brilliance is the job of the creatives. And it's fucking difficult to become a creative. It's not right that Oxbridge grads come and hijack our job through the back door. Planners are a lineman, not a quarterback. Planners are a radar operator not pilots. It's not right that they should steal the glory and try and limit the idea through a greedy brief.
We score the goals. Planners set them up. That's how it should be.
Propositions are not that important. Creative work is important. Consumers actually get to see that.
What is your agency proposition structure? What the shittest one you've seen?
Propositions.
Are they actually fucking pointless or are they, as planners will tell you, "the most important thing in the whole process"?
I've seen about three exciting propositions in my life. Sometimes they are planners writing headlines. Sometimes they are suits writing novels.
I think the problem is the form. A proposition has to be this that or the other. I'm going to hear Steve Harrison talk about what he reckons they are soon. I'll report back when I find out.
Why can't a proposition be one word?
Cheaper....Freedom....Together....Finite....Faster....Convenient.
I could work with that.
The problem is the planners would then take two weeks trying to find a way to make EVERYTHING one word. It would need a rigid structure.
"We've got 'long-term' here as the proposition. But that's not one word is it? Do hyphens count?"
It doesn't matter. I know what you mean.
Fuck form. We once ran a proposition for the NSPCC that was a picture of a baby crying. The resulting DRTV ad was a huge success. Mad proposition. But it worked.
All this form "you've got 10 seconds to convince them" "what's the one big thing" "what's the inspirational truth"
all fancy ways of saying "what's the proposition" that never actually work. They make non creative people have to submit ideas into form. And that's not fair.
The worst proposition of all, however, is when a planner has tried to write a really good proposition. They often read like this...
"Feed your speed" or "Because Soap Matters" or "Spec-tacular glasses"
I'm pretty sure Just do it and Beanz Meanz Heinz were not propositions. Nowadays they would be. But if Beanz Meanz Heinz was a proposition that campaign would never have run. The creatives aren't going to use the propositions as ideas. The proposition for that campaign was probably "Heinz should be your choice when deciding to buy baked beans."
Something that simple would probably be beyond your standard planner. It has to be BRILLIANT. Look at this brief!!
Why? No-one else in the world will.
Brilliance is the job of the creatives. And it's fucking difficult to become a creative. It's not right that Oxbridge grads come and hijack our job through the back door. Planners are a lineman, not a quarterback. Planners are a radar operator not pilots. It's not right that they should steal the glory and try and limit the idea through a greedy brief.
We score the goals. Planners set them up. That's how it should be.
Propositions are not that important. Creative work is important. Consumers actually get to see that.
What is your agency proposition structure? What the shittest one you've seen?
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